Message From The President

 

My fellow countrymen. This photo of me going around the internet seems to be driving people CRAZY.  I need to explain exactly what happened, so that we can end the speculation and the insinuations and move on to more important things. 

The fact is that what appears to be a naked man kneeling in front of me is not, I repeat NOT, a real naked man. That would be RIDICULOUS! In fact it is not even a human being. I know some of you might find this hard to believe,  but in fact this is a visitor from another planet, which is why his skin-tone is very slightly green, though it’s almost impossible to make that out in the photo. 

I have not mentioned this before because this administration does not normally make public, our communications with alien beings,  naturally because we do not want to cause alarm. But the fact of the matter is that they exist, and the one who was beside me in the photograph was a visitor from a planet way over on the other side of the Milky Way. 

He is very friendly and has no wish to do us harm. I know this and quite a few other things about him because he has in fact visited me several times. I call him Zobbie. He told me his real name but I couldn’t pronounce it, so I call him Zobbie and he says doesn’t mind at all. 

He comes from a planet which is much more advanced than ours.  One of the things these aliens have learned how to do is to disappear into thin air, which is why no-one has ever seen Zobbie since the photograph was taken. The moment he realised that someone was filming him he made himself instantly invisible. The fact that no one has seen him is proof he is an alien and can literally disappear without trace. I have no idea when he will be back. But the fact of the matter is that he and his people have been monitoring earth for quite a while. They just hover up there, completely invisible, recording everything that’s going on.  We talked a lot about the state of the planet and what human beings can do to make life better for everyone. He says I’m doing a great job, generally. 

Now there are people (mostly MY ENEMIES)  who are claiming that Zobbie has his hands tied behind his back and a red ball gag in his mouth. Well, it might look like that to people with TWISTED IMAGINATIONS but the truth is that Zobbie was kneeling in that position in order to pray, and what looks like a red rubber ball-gag is in fact a translation device which means he was able to speak and understand English. He said that with this device he could talk in any language anywhere in the entire universe, which was essential since he visited a great many planets. 

The first time Zobbie visited me was about a month ago. He told me they  ran out of oil on his planet ten years ago. They knew there was still plenty on earth, and they knew I was the guy to talk to about getting some.  So we made a deal and I let him beam some up into his space craft.  He didn’t want much - just about a couple of thousand gallons. He said they had switched to solar power to keep their economy going, which was good for their environment, but the lack of oil meant they couldn’t make plastic any more.  That’s what he need it for, to make plastic, because plastic is essential to their religion. 

And that’s why he had a clear plastic food bag tied over his head. 

He had come back to visit me, to thank him for the oil I let him have, and we ended up talking about a whole bunch of stuff. He told me that on his planet they worshipped a God pretty much like ours, but that the son of God wasn’t crucified. He was suffocated. Zobbie was showing my how they prayed to their God. 

In fact we ended up having a very interesting conversation, about religion and politics and all kind of stuff.  One of the things he told me was that on his planet, they had decided to abandon the whole idea of separate nations.  They got rid of all borders and they made it compulsory for everyone on the planet to emigrate to another part of the planet every few years. He said that nationalism caused wars, and borders were bad for international trade.  Trade was also negatively affected by tariffs and differences in languages, so they got rid of all of that crap and now they are all citizens of one planet, and that has made it a much easier market to sell products to.  I thought this was a great idea and I’ve decided that from now on, we should open our borders, let anyone in who wants to come, and make it illegal citizen to live in one country for more than ten years. From now on we’re going to embrace immigration.  Everyone should take note. You’re going to see some big changes taking place. 

Which reminds me. I forgot. Some of my ENEMIES have been claiming that I am some kind of pervert, just because I was not wearing any clothes in the photo. Well, neither was Zobbie because on his planet they didn’t need to wear clothes any more, so I decided to be respectful.  

I hope this message clears up the questions, and stops the RIDICULOUS SPECULATION.    I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF WE COULD MOVE ON , NOW. THANK YOU! 

Daniel Guy 

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