The Mummification Pole

by Daniel Guy.

‘It’s a what?’ asked McBride.

‘A Mummification Pole. That’s what we’re calling it at the moment, but it probably needs a sexier name. I know it’s late Mr McBride, but if you’re free right now, I can bring it up to your office and you can have a look at it.’

‘O.K. Steve.  Bring it up.’

Alec McBride  hung up, sat back into his sumptuous leather chair and let out a long deep sigh. By the time it was finished, he had forgotten all about Steve. There were much more pressing things on his mind than Steve’s whacky ideas.  He glanced at his watch and saw that it was close to midnight.

‘Fuck ‘em’ he mumbled to himself. He got up from his desk. He walked over to the drinks cabinet at the far end of his large office and poured out a large Jack Daniels.  Probably his last, he thought as he wandered back to the window and gazed out at the impressive view of the city, illuminated by a million tiny streetlamps.  His head was filled with all things he should have said at the board meeting which had ended an hour before. He had been Chief Executive of Novelty Gadgets Limited for less than a year and now it seemed that the board wanted him to resign – just because company shares had been spiraling downwards for a couple of months.

Mc Bride stood at the window, raging with contempt for his colleagues, who had once pretended to be his friends but who now seemed impatient to be rid of him.  He could tell by the sudden lack of eye contact, and the way they ignored him completely after the board meeting had ended. 

When he heard a gentle tap on his door, he gulped back the contents of the glass and barked at Steve to enter. Steve entered McBride’s office, struggling to carry in a large heavy steel disc and a strange steel pole about six foot long. 

‘What the hell is that?’ asked McBride as he watched Steve drop the disc onto the carpet and then begin to screw the pole into a treaded hole in the centre of the disc.’

Steve twisted the steel pole tight into the base until it stood upright on its own, and then looked up and smiled at his boss.

‘The guys in R and D have been working on it for about a month.  It’s pretty weird but it’s been thoroughly tested and I think we should consider putting it next month’s catalogue.’

‘But what is it, Steve. What the hell is it supposed to do?’

Steve fetched out from a bag a large roll of cling film, slipped it over the top of the pole and pulled it down to the base, until the roll rested on a small lip.

‘O.K. Well the guys have been doing a lot of research into this and have discovered that there are a lot of people out there who like to mummify themselves in cling film.  It’s not just the pervy bondage freaks either.  A lot of kids are into it these days.  The problem is that in reality it is almost impossible to mummify yourself.  I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried it yourself, sir?’

Steve’s voice trailed off a bit as he saw Mc Bride’s upper lip curl up with contempt, but then he found the courage to go on.

‘Well, sir, this neat little gadget makes it easy….’ 

Steve knelt down on the floor beside the pole and pulled out a long strip of plastic film from the roll.

 ‘Do you want to try it, Mr McBride?’

McBride wondered for a second if he was on another planet.

 ‘What the hell are you talking about?  Mummification?  Who in their right mind would want to mummify themselves in cling film?’

The smile remained fixed on Steve’s face as he held the end of the roll out in front of him and looked up.

‘You’ve not tried it, Mr McBride?  It’s actually a very pleasant experience.

Why don’t you step over here and give it a go?  I promise you that you’ll be amazed. Just step onto the stand, put your feet together and I’ll show you how it works.’

McBride stepped onto the steel plate not sure whether he should laugh or cry or just kick Steve and his crazy idea out of the office. Steve leaned over and wrapped the plastic film around McBride’s ankles.

‘Now Mr McBride. All you need to do now is keep your ankles together and slowly turn round and round on the spot. Then you’ll see how it works.’

McBride stared down at the cling film around his ankles.

‘Are you being serious?’

‘ Very serious, Mr McBride. Just start turning round slowly on the spot and you’ll see. It’s very clever.’

McBride started to turn around on the spot and as he turned the cling film began to wrap itself tight around his ankles.

‘Steve – if this is a joke then you’ve picked the wrong moment.  I’m…’

Steve interrupted.

‘- Wait - it’s a very pleasurable experience. You’ll see. Just keep turning.’

Although his ankles were now tightly wrapped in plastic, he continued to rotate himself awkwardly on the spot, careful not to lose his balance.

‘-  Look, Mr McBride! See what’s happening? As you unwind the cling film, the roll moves slowly up the pole.  The roll is fixed to a collar which is on a thread, see?’

Still revolving, McBride studied the pole each time he faced it.  Steve leant back on his haunches and admired the tight neat layers of cling film which were slowly enveloping Mr McBride’s lower legs. McBride wobbled slightly as he turned, and was quiet for a moment as he began to take note of the warm sensation as the plastic film slowly bound his legs tightly together.

‘Steve, this is the craziest thing you guys have ever come up with. Tell me it’s a joke.’

But McBride kept on rotating slowly on the spot and the tube of cling film moved slowly up the pole and the thin shiny plastic wound up past his knees.

‘Keep your arms by your side, Mr McBride. Don’t stop turning….’

‘But who the hell would want to mummify themselves, apart from the weirdoes?’ exclaimed McBride. Steve stood up but didn’t take his eyes off the cling film roll, moving slowly up the pole as it turned.

‘We’ve done the research.  We know that there are thousands of bondage freaks on the net who’d buy this, because they can never do it themselves, alone, in the privacy of their houses.  But what is interesting is that we have evidence to suggest that straight couples are buying mummification videos. We think the mainstream market will handle a product like this….…’

McBride stopped turning and looked up in surprise.

‘Sex toys?’ 

Steve gently took McBride’s shoulders and made him continue to turn.

‘Yes, Mr McBride. We’ve interviewed many people who would love to see their partners helpless in a soft shiny plastic cocoon with their private parts exposed…’

McBride was again so startled by what he was being told, that he interrupted.

‘Listen Steve. This company makes gadgets for the office and for the home.  That is what we do.  I honestly do not think it is in our interests in this current economic climate to venture into the sex industry!’ But as he continued to rant he also continued to turn and the layers of soft shiny plastic wrap crept up his body. His hands were now pressed tight against his thighs and the tight plastic film was up to his elbows. Again, Steve interrupted.

‘- Mr McBride – this could be the gadget that helps us win back our market share. We’ve not had anything to celebrate since we came up with the Edible Check Book, and that was five years ago.’

‘Jesus, look at me!’ exclaimed Mr McBride. ‘I look like a fucking mummy!’

Steve stood back, admiring the mummification pole’s smooth and efficient action.

‘You look terrific, Mr McBride. Just keep turning. You won’t get the complete sensation until the roll reaches the top.’

McBride was wrapped up to his neck and just as the cling film began to stroke the bottom of his chin, he stopped.

‘Wait a second – if I carry on, the stuff is going to cover my face. This contraption could be a death trap.  Steve - we don’t want any more law suits.’

‘Just keep rotating, Mr McBride.  This prototype is designed it so the roll runs out the moment your head is covered.  It’s O.K. It feels great and if you have any difficulty breathing, I’ll just unwrap you. Don’t worry, just keep turning. You’re almost there…’

McBride wobbled a little more. Steve instinctively reached out, thinking his boss might fall.  McBride moved more slowly now and seemed bemused by the sensation of the soft warm plastic film as it slowly wrapped itself first over his mouth and then his nose.

‘Keep going Mr McBride. Just another few turns! It’s looking great. Turn a bit faster or you might not have enough breath!’

To Steve’s surprise and delight, McBride actually began to spin faster. The cling film roll reached the top of the pole and within a minute, McBride’s head was completely wrapped. As the end of the cling film finally floated off the roll, McBride stood quite still, mummified totally from head to foot.  He wobbled slightly as he struggled to bite a hole through the layers of plastic cling film.

Steve studied the plastic around McBride, checking to see that it had wound itself evenly and that there were enough layers tightly wrapped around the man to prevent him from breaking out.

‘Mmmmmmm..’  It works beautifully every time. You can imagine the fun the guys have had with this down in the lab.’

‘Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! replied McBride, desperately.

McBride could do nothing but wobble and twist his plastic wrapped head, his cries for help, well muffled by the layers of cling film tight over his mouth. ‘Now be careful, Mr McBride, or you might…..’

But Steve’s warning came too late. McBride toppled over and fell quite hard onto his back. Luckily his head missed the edge of his desk, but only by an inch. He lay on his back, writhing and twisting like a fat silvery worm, his mouth wide open and his terrified eyes barely visible through the plastic layers. 

‘I definitely think, Mr McBride that with good marketing we can create a lot of interest from this…. Mr McBride?’

Steve looked down and blinked. His face bore no expression. He gazed down at McBride, writhing silently, trying desperately to break out from the tight shiny plastic cocoon. After a while, McBride’s movements became less desperate and violent and his muffled cries even less audible. The tight plastic around his face expanded and contracted a little as he made the most of the small amount of air trapped inside. Then the struggling ceased and the shiny mummy was still. 

Steve glanced at his watch and then reached over to the phone on McBride’s desk.

‘Hello – Mike? It’s Steve. I’m in McBride’s office, showing him the mummification pole…. - Yeah, it worked a treat. I think he’s really taken a shine to it.’

Daniel Guy.