How Would You Like To Be Murdered?

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How would you like to be  murdered?                                     



How would you like to be murdered?

Have you thought about it at all?

Would you care to be hacked to death in a bath

Or gunned down in a shopping mall?



Or is poison a little more your cup of tea

Do you yearn to be stabbed in the back?

Or buried alive in a woodland grave

Wrapped in a garbage sack?



Would you like to be skewered by a Samurai sword?

The Japanese do it with pride

But if that doesn’t tickle your fancy

Then seek out assassins worldwide



A German might wish to build you a cellar

And keep you there, hidden for a year

Cut bits off you, fry them for dinner

Wash you down with Bavarian beer



The British would lack such pre-meditation

And would not have a motive at all

Instead, staggering, mindlessly drunk from a pub

They would beat you to death in a brawl



The Yanks might decline from shooting you dead

‘No way..’ they would say ‘..go to Hell!’

But they’d gladly drop bombs on your city or town

And take out your neighbours as well



The Swiss I am told are terribly keen

To snuff you out for a price

Tell them you’re down on your luck and depressed

And I’m sure they’ll bag you up nice



How would I like to be murdered?

I’ve thought about it a lot

The very idea of being snuffed out

Makes me wonderfully horny and hot



Who wants to be eaten by crocodiles?

Or die making love to their aunt?

Who would ever think that was arousing?

I, for the life of me, can’t



Some yearn to be horribly, tragically killed

Others might not be so keen

Like an innocent child who steps on a mine

And is blown to a smithereen



Yet most of us pleasure ourselves with the thought

Of a wake, and the tears that are shed

By our selfish, remorseful, dearest of friends

As we lie in our coffins, dead



If my death wasn’t splashed across the front page

Then it really wouldn’t be fun

I would die for a three minute silence

But happily settle for one



Daniel Guy


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